December, 2011Archive

Dec 22

Wow, was this rough. I really thought this class was going to be a walk through the
park but I was sadly mistaken. I HATE writing, especially essays. Having to
analyze a book I have no interest in really annoys me. Having to write about a
topic of our choosing as long as it followed the writing format of the week of
poem, blog, story, is a different story. I use to do it all the time as a hobby
so I could easily do it for a class. In high school, I had taken a creative
writing class and breezed right through it. I don’t know what happen from then
to now but I seriously lost my touch.

I was waiting for the moment
till we got to the assignment of writing our stories. Out of all the
assignments, I thought I would excel at this one. When it came time to finally
begin our stories, I was surprised to go completely blank. I had no idea what
to write. The exercises we did in class to help give us ideas for our story, we’re
fun to do but unfortunately whatever I came up with in class didn’t inspire me
to write a story from it. I tried but to start a story from some of the things
in class but I would end up writing a page and then deleting everything because
I just didn’t like it.

The first story I wrote ended
up being my short story called “Smile and Wave”. Figuring out what to write was
such a long process. I literally sat in my house all day with a notebook trying
to come up with something. I had ideas from creating an alternate universe
where dogs ran the world but that was a knockoff of planet of the apes so that
was thrown out. Another was a Lord of the Rings world where there was a romance
between two male elves and they had to run away from the only life they knew so
they could stay together which I thought was cliché. Reminded me of the all the
young lovers that couldn’t be together like Romeo and Juliet except…the
characters were just gay. So that was out the window as well. It was because of
my sister that I finally chose the idea of alcoholism for my story. She saw
that I was having trouble starting my story and told me to just “write what I know
and leave at that.” Many Hispanic men are alcoholics and so I have seen it a
lot in my world. I chose to write about a friend of a friend’s that had passed
away and just morphed it. The lines of poetry I used in the story was icing on
the cake for me. I had been reading those poems for another class and I thought
they would blend in perfectly in my story and I was really proud of the
outcome.

The longer short story was
just a complete headache. The idea for the story actually came very quickly to
me compared to how long I took deciding on the first one. I wanted to write
about a girl that was in an abusive relationship that finally decided enough
was enough and killed her boyfriend/husband when he was going to attack her
again but the reader wouldn’t know that till the end. What I had in my head
complete did not translate right on paper. I couldn’t get my wording right, I’m
not sure the point of view I chose for the story fit, it was just a mess. After
going back and forth, I probably would have done what Margarita did in her
story “Responsibilities”. I really liked how she used two narratives in her
story instead of the usual one. I felt like it flowed really well.

This class was very frustrating
for me. Although I had not written actual stories and poems since high school, I
really considered myself a good reader. Having such difficulty in thinking
about a topic after topic for the blogs, poems and stories, I started thinking
was I even good in HS. Knowing my writing would be seen by the class made it
even harder for me. It’s one thing for my teacher to see my work, that’s one
pair of eyes. It’s a whole different story when there are thirty pairs of eyes
looking at your work. This class has helped me pushed myself as a writer.
Before actually posting up the assignments I would go over them time and time
again to see if it was good enough for the class. Was the idea good, does the
setting work, does the name fit the character? Many thoughts went through my
head before actually pressing the publish button on the dashboard. I entered
the class thinking I wouldn’t be learning anything new and that it was going to
easy peasy. I learned so much from my peers and the assignments we did in
class.

Dec 22

I walk across the living
room to get to our room. This outfit is gorgeous but it’s time to take it off,
feels like I’m suffocating. The door is hanging off its hinges. Got to get
someone to fix that now. Maybe I can hit up that boy, what was his name? I have
such a bad memory.  I really have to
clean my room. Clothes all over the floor, drawers half way out, holes in the
wall. I really do have to clean the walls soon or else they’ll stain and then I’m
going to have to paint over it. It’s been three days since the fight but I don’t
have the will to clean yet. Its been four years since I was lazy and I’m going
to take my time cleaning up. Kevin doesn’t mind anymore. He’s letting me be
happy.

Okay, my pj’s areeeee…aha,
underneath the pile of dvds on the floor. Stepping all over the clothes, I get
to my pj’s to change. One of Kevin’s shirts, a pair of sweatpants and I feel
free. I hang up my dress in the closet. At least that’s one less thing I have
to do. Tengo hambre, i should make breakfast. Let me ask Kevin if he wants
something. He’s been through a lot.

I finish trekking through the
horror of my room and step into the living room.

“Wow, it’s so dreary in here.
I don’t know how you always liked it like this Kevin. Makes everything look so
sad.”  I head to the the windows and open
up the black curtains. Light pours into the room. “Sooo much better. Makes the
place more warm and inviting.” Not that we ever had company anyway. You never
wanted anyone around because this was “your space”. Well, that’s going to
change now, just have to fix up the place. I head to the kitchen and open the
fridge. I grab the eggs, milk, jelly and sausage. From the cupboard I get the
maple syrup, pancake mix, bowls and pans.

“I’m gonna make a feast for
us. I know you’re not that hungry but imam make a lil something for you. I’ll
eat the leftovers so if anything.”

I looked up from the
counter and I look at kevin. He’s so peaceful when he’s like this. I really do
have to start thinking about how to get rid of him. Him and the couch. He ruined
it with all the blood from the stab wounds. I was trying for him to fall to the
floor after he ran into the knife I was holding but no. Of course he has to
ruin something I like before he went to hell. I did get a little crazy on
stabbing him after the initial shock of what happened wore off. i did warn him i was going to use if he ever touched me again. I dared him. Of course he’d think i wasn’t going to do it. Oh well. Too
bad, so sad.

Dec 22

“LAST STOP!”

Wow, that train ride was fast. Usually it
takes forever to get home. Having my mind on that kid sure made time fly. If
Kevin only knew. It would be the shock of his life. The perfect slave he took
time to form and train has turned against him. Oh god, the beating I would have
endured. He’d probably kill me. Beat me to the point where I’d be
unrecognizable and then strangle me to death. Its funny how that’s in the past
now. I’m happyand he’s happy for me.

I get up  and walk
out of the train. When’s the last time I actually came home this late? When’s
the last time I actually been out, at all, by myself? I miss this. Being by
yourself ain’t that bad sometimes. I guess when your happy nothing seems bad.
Walking out the subway, I come out directly facing the sunrise. How beautiful it
is. New day, new beginnings, new life. Well…for some at least, I know it is for
me. Everything is funny to me now. I have to stop smiling or else my face is
going to stay like this. I laugh while I reach into my purse for my ipod and
headphones. Okay, headphones on , music playing, no one around, can sing out
loud. This is going to be a nice walk. As I walk the three blocks to the
apartment there’s no one in sight, I’m gonna pretend im a model right now. I sure
look like one. I’m never gonna hide myself again. No more bruises now. No
reason to hide. Kevin’s going to have to deal with it. Oh well, ipod play my
song.

xzibit – runway walk

“the runway walk nananananana, nananananana
Let me see ur runway walk
Make your heels click
Make the runway talk, come on
Pretty ass women taking pictures
That never come outside until they look vicious, damn
What I gotta say to get a piece of that, damn

The way u walk in them heels, beyond sex appeal
Beyond any type of feeling you get by taking a pill
I don’t care of they’re real, could care less if they’re fake
I like the way that ur moving, the way your making it shake

Love the way that your dressing, god bless u girl
Now go show your sexy ass to the rest of the world”

I reached the door. “Nananananana, Nananananana.” Shaking my ass while turning the key in the lock. That song is so
much fun. I’m relieved I’m finally home though. Dios, I can finally take off these
heels. One by one I kick them off. I creep down the hallway , wondering if
Kevin is still where I left him. Just as I thought, same position and
everything, sitting at the corner of the couch with his eyes closed. Nothing can ever wake this man up when he’s sleeping.
“Morning Kevin! The story I have to tell you about the club. Tus oidos te van a doler
cuando termino.”

Dec 22

Thank God my hair was
straight. If I had actually styled it, Jenn could have plainly seen what went
on with this kid. He was walking me back to the club, holding me by the waist
again while kissing me all over my neck. I haven’t felt this alive and this
wanted in so long. Kevin made sure that my life was miserable and he was the
sole person that could make me happy. All I had to do was listen and do
whatever he said. If not a slap, punch, kick here and there would cure me from
my “laziness”. We reached the entrance to club. He put his back against the
wall and turned me around to face him. As I put my arms around his neck, his
hands reach down to grab my ass.  I put
my  hand in back of his head and bring
his lips down to mine. His lips are soft. Ayy que hombre el es.

“Damn
Ma, I’ll I wanna do is get you back into that room.”

“Maybe, some other time. My friend is waiting
for me” I look down at the floor and smile. I don’t want him to see I’m blushing.
He brings his hand to my chin and gently  raises my face up to his.

“Don’t do that to me please.”

“Do what?” quizzically I respond.

“Don’t hide your smile away from me. It’s beautiful…you’re
beautiful.”

It’s been so long since
I had a real reason to smile. That I’m actually smiling because I’m happy and
not because I’m pretending.. If this kid only knew what this “beautiful” body
has been put through. I wonder if he knew me earlier, if he had known about everything,
would he have stopped Kevin. What the hell are you doing? He’s a dumb kid, stop
thinking nonsense and enjoy the moment.

“Ya gonna me your number ? I
would love to keep in contact. Trust.”

“Ummm, how bout you give me your number?”

“You don’t think imma call you?” he chuckles “believe me
babe, I don’t wanna let you get away”

“It’s not that. I
don’t really have a phone at the moment so it be difficult to get in contact
with me. Just give yours.”

“Ahuh.  Listen if
you got a man or something , I don’t care. I rather be aware of the situation
in case anything happens. Yo ass is worth fighting for, believe that.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, promise. Not
anymore. You don’t have to worry bout anything. Just give me your number and I’ll
call you.” I give him a punch on the shoulder. “stop being such a girl”

“Aight, its 212 476 38…”

Dec 22

Different colored lights
are flashing all around us. He sees me walking towards him and begins to walk
towards me. We meet and he said something to me that I couldn’t hear.  “HUH?” I yell out to him, hoping he heard what
I said. He puts his arms around my waist, leans down to my ear “You are
beautiful”. A smile appears on my face. I heard him that time.  “Thank you.” Those words haven’t been said to
me in so long. The honeymoon phase with Kevin was long gone and he never
complimented me anymore. Kevin made sure that there were no other men in my
world to tell me that too.

“I’m Matthew. What’s your name gorgeous?”

“Sasha” I gave him my alias.

“Beautiful name, for a
beautiful lady. Would you like to dance?”

“No, not really.” He looked surprised which
made me smile even harder. I reached for his neck and brought him down closer
to me. “I’d rather go somewhere where we could be alone.” That put a smile
right back on his face.

“That would be cool.”

He took my hand and
started to lead me to the entrance of the club. I looked back and saw Jenn
staring at me with her mouth wide open. Her faces are always so animated. She ‘s
the only one that can make me smile by doing nothing. She doesn’t realize what
she does which makes me smile more. We step out
into the real world. Cement floors, stores, the sounds of the trains and
car horns but we were still able to hear the loud techno music.

“ Where do you wanna go?”

“Come with me.” My
turn to drag you around. “My friend’s house is right around the corner.”

Matthew put his arm
around my shoulders as we walked. It felt good to be wanted, to be held. We
reached Jenn’s door and I got out the spare key she had given me so I could
come over and let myself in instead of her having to stop whatever she was
doing to let me in. I took his hand and lead him up to the stairs to
second  floor. As im trying to open her
apartment door, Matthew wraps his arms around my waist. God, he smells so good.

I got the door open and pushed him inside unto the closet
door. Walking inside, I shut the door behind me. We could still hear the music from
the club. He pulls me in close to him and kisses me. No going back now.

All this Bruhaha is Tiring