November, 2011Archive

Nov 16

“Whistle, whistle,whistle, whis…”
“What the hell are you doing?” Jenn asked walking closely behind me. She had
popped out of nowhere. Probably trying to scare me like always. I really don’t
know why she finds that fun. I could already see it on her face that she was
disappointed. She wasn’t going to scare me today. We continued walking together.
Her barefoot, with her heels in her hand and me with my sparkling gold pumps on.
No matter how they hurt, I wasn’t going to take them off and ruin the whole
ensemble. The first time in a long time that I’ve worn heels and i wasn’t going
to let a little pain ruin the whole look. I’ve been through worse. No more
“I don’t know how to whistle. Never learned. Instead I just whistle and try to
tune it with a song I like.” Jenn just looked at me with her quizzical one
eyebrow up. She looks like the damn Rock. I keep on telling her to stop, it’s annoying
but no. She has to keep up with it because she knows it bothers me. She burst
out laughing and says in her best Dominican accent “Tu ta LOCA!” I laugh right
along with her. “Whistle, whistle, whistle.” Today I’ll be happy.
Her apartment was just around the corner. She could walk the rest of the way by
“I’ll talk to you in the morning lady. I’m gonna go catch the train”
“What?! It’s 4am, you’re gonna leave now! Have Kevin pick you up. I know you guys are having troubles right now but
he wouldn’t want you riding the train at this time. Sleep over if you want to.”
“No, Jenn, it’s ok. I wanna be alone. You worry too much, I’ll be fine. Te veo
manana lady. Muah.”
“At least send me a text once you get home. YEAH, Yeah I’m gonna be sleeping but just do it ok. I’ll
feel better once I get up seeing your text.” She has me giggling. Always
“Ok lady. Ok.”
“I know how you are. You’re gonna forget. Prometame que lo vas hacer!”
“I promise. Cross my heart. Now go home and sleep. I’ll see you later. Ciao.”
She smiles before walking away. I love her smiles. They’re so huge. Makes me
feel like she smiles for the both of us. Not anymore. I can smile for myself.
Now and always from now on.
Walking down the stairs to the subway I feel sexy and confident. Ever since Kevin came along that went out the
window. I’m happy though. No more bruises. It’s been a long time since I’ve thrown
on my party outfit. Barely covering my ass and showing off every curve of my
body, glowing white asymmetrical dress with one long sleeve, wearing a simple
gold necklace that has a pendant dagger. To top it all of I put on the red
lipstick that always reminded me of blood. What a lovely color red was, had so
many meanings. The color of love and the color of death. I guess they go hand
in hand.
I hit the bottom of the stairs and see there’s no one in sight. That’s a shame,
there’s no one to look at me. Oh well, maybe va haber alguien en el tren. The
tracks are rattling. The train is coming. The train is so dependable, always my
buddy. Can just think and think and not have to worry about anybody. The doors
open and enter to sit in an empty cart. Todavia nadie, that sucks. Whatever, I got
enough stares at the party. The men definitely appreciated what they got to see.
Who in the world would want to damage this body? Fuck that, never again.
Doors close and the train starts to move. Staring at the tunnels passing by is enchanting. The garbage, graffiti,
construction sites. It’s all so chaotic, brings me back to the club. That guy
was so, god knows what his name was but he was just sooo…intoxicating.

“You see that guy over there, by the couch?” Jenn yelled so I could hear above the music. I looked in
her direction while seeping a rum and coke and saw a 6 feet tall guy. He looked
Filipino with a tan. He wore a red WESC fitted cap with a white t-shirt, not so
baggy and not so tight dark blue jeans and white Nike uptowns. This boy was
staring right at me and smiling.
“Yea, you know him?”
“No, but I’m sure he wants to know you!” Jenn laughs while giving me a little nudge. “Go flirt
and get us some drinks.” I stare at her with the hugest smile on my face. I’m
happy. I give her my drink and start walking towards to him. My steps are
following the beat of the techno music which is elevating my confidence.

Nov 08

just wanted to let everyone know i stole a few lines from 2 poems, if you guys decide to read them, they are:
“Not Waving But Drowning” by Stevie Smith  AND “Letters & Other Worlds” by Michael Ondaatje.


Kayla stood frozen. She couldn’t move, speak or hear. She stood at the
doorway of her backyard looking like she just saw a ghost, as if she was about

“Anthony! Anthony!” she was calling her little brother in such a
desperate manner. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

Her elder brother was lying face down on the floor just a few steps from the
back door of the house. Kayla didn’t know what to think, she immediately
thought the worse. He wasn’t moving. The dog was trying to wake up his owner by
barking and pawing at him, but wouldn’t move. Kayla was to frighten to see if
he was okay. She didn’t want to be the one to know he was dead.

Anthony came running up the stairs, “What do you want? I was about to
beat the final level of…” he stopped when he saw the site of is brother
on the ground. “Kayla, what happened?! What’s wrong with him?” He
couldn’t believe his eyes. “KAYLA WHAT’S WRONG?!”

The sound of her little brother’s frantic voice snapped her out of her
stunned state, but she still couldn’t move. She always thought something like
this would happen someday. That she would find her brother dead because of
alcohol poisoning. She imagined it happening, but she never believed it would.
“Check if he’s breathing Anthony. See if he’s alright.” Following his
sister’s orders, Anthony walked up to his brother’s body slowly knowing each
step he took closer might reveal their worst fears come to life. He kneeled
down to the floor and put his hand in front of his brother’s nose as Kayla
watched on. “Please tell me he’s fine,” she cried.

After a couple of seconds went by Anthony nodded his head. “He’s okay
Kayla. He’s okay,” he whispered as he was wiping away tears. “He’s
just drunk.” He couldn’t stop the flow of tears that were coming out.
“Help me bring him inside.”

Kayla was finally able to move. While Anthony was making sure his brother
wasn’t hurt, Kayla put the dog away into his room and came back to help. Though
the door was just a few feet away, it seemed like a long journey for Kayla and
Anthony. No one was home to help them and they didn’t want to call anybody
since it was the middle of the night. They were panicked and didn’t know what
to do. Determined to get their brother inside the house and out of the freezing
cold, they each grabbed one arm and started dragging him through the door. They
knew they still weren’t out of the woods since he wouldn’t wake up and they
were terrified. The possibility of their brother dying was all too real.

“Okay, okay, we’re in. Close the door,” said Kayla. Anthony got
out under his brother’s arm and closed the door. Neither of them knew what to
do next. They dragged him to the stairs and left him lying down on the floor.
They had never seen him this bad before. Whenever he was drunk, he would always
find his way home and into his room. He was always able to get unto his bed and
fall asleep. Kayla looked at her little brother shaking in the corner. He
didn’t deserve to see his older brother in such a state. He didn’t need to be
in this situation, especially in his situation.

“What are we gonna do, we can’t leave him there,” Anthony said

Kayla and Anthony stared at each other. Anthony was frail and weak from the
medication he’d been taking and appeared to look like a skeleton. Kayla wished
she could send him to sleep and let her worry about this, but she needed his
help and he knew it too.

“Okay, listen. You have to calm down first. You can’t put a lot of
stress on your heart. Take a deep breath and try to stop shaking,” Kayla
said soothingly. Anthony did what he was told and started to settle down. The
shaking had stopped, but Kayla could tell he was still scared and of course she
was too, but was trying to be brave for her younger brother. “Alright,
this is gonna be hard, but we’re gonna drag him downstairs and try and lift on
to his bed, but facing down, okay.”

Kayla had heard enough horror stories of people choking on their vomit while
drunk and asleep. She was terrified that that would happen to her brother.

Each of them grabbed one of their brother’s arms and started to carefully
drag him down the stairs. Every step they took, Kayla thanked God that none of
them had fallen. Anthony kept on repeating a prayer on his head. Kayla was
scared that in Anthony’s weak state he would slip and fall and she would fall
on top of him. She held on tighter to her older brother and prayed.

“We did it,” calmly said Anthony. Not wanting to stop, they
dragged him all the way to his bed and plopped him on. They were out of breath
and tired. Both were happy that they accomplished their goal and yet scared to
see what they’d see in the morning.

“Let’s go to sleep, there’s nothing else we can do,” said Kayla.
They were both exhausted and headed to their rooms.” Night Anthony, try
and get some rest.”


Kayla woke up early in the morning to get ready for school. She got up and
went to check if Anthony was okay. Trying to walk as soft as possible, she
crept into his room and was happy to see that he was fine and still sleeping.
Next she went to check on her older brother. She opened the door to his room
and saw that he was awake. Once she noticed he was fine, rage was the only
emotion that she was feeling towards him.

“Do you know what happened last night…hmm? Do you know what you put
me through, what you put Anthony through?” Her brother just stared at her
not knowing what to say. Tears were streaming down her face. She couldn’t hold
them back any longer. “We found you outside on the ground, you IDIOT! We
thought you were dead! We thought we were gonna find you dead when we woke up!”
she couldn’t stop crying though she was wiping them away. “How do you
that? How can you get so drunk to put us into that situation, when you know Mom
and Dad work at night and can’t help us? You know Anthony’s weak right now. All
the heart medication he’s taking for his Dextrocardia problem has sucked up all
his strength and you go and pull a stunt like this. Why?” He couldn’t look
her in the eye, eh couldn’t say anything to her. He was so ashamed.


“Hey Kayla, Kayla! Wait up!” Kayla’s friend Cathy was running to
catch up.

“Oh hey Cathy, what’s up?”

“Nothing much. You ready for the pep rally today at school. I’m so excited;
I love all the cheering and laughter that goes on. It’s so much fun.”

“Yea, I have my uniform ready to go out with my team. You’re gonna
cheer for me right? Make everyone around you cheer when I come out. It’d be fun
for you and fun for me.” Kayla said while trying to act happy and normal.
She didn’t want anyone knowing what had happened last night or think that
anything was wrong. She wanted to appear like everyone else. She wanted to wave
at her friends and go directly to class. It was something she and her family
grew up to do. They all knew how to smile, wave and hide their true emotions.
It was easy for them.

Throughout the day Kayla was anxious to get home. The pep rally had just
finished and so she went to pick up Anthony by his locker. “Come on, lets
go,” she said with an agitated voice when she saw Anthony. He looked at
her and knew she was tired of waving at everyone like everything was okay. Like
they do every day. He just wanted to go home.

“Tired of waving, too?” he asked Kayla with a smile.

She messed with his hair and with a smirk replied “I was not
waving but drowning” (4).
They laughed and started walking home.

Happy they were going home, they started to relax and tell each other jokes
on the way to the house. Anthony was in the middle of a “knock-knock”
joke when they both started to hear sirens. The noise started to get louder the
closer the got to their house. They finally noticed it was coming from their
home. There were police and an ambulance in front of the house with people and
neighbors standing everywhere.

The emotions from last night came back at once and hit like a rock. They
started running into the group to get to their parents. There were so many
people grouped together it as hard to get by. Kayla saw her parents talking to
a policeman and heard what she was dreading the most.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but your son is dead. He came to death with his mind
drowning…He enclosed himself in a room with two bottles of gin, later fell
the length of his body so that brain blood moved to new compartments that never
knew the wash of fluid and he died in minutes of a new equilibrium”
The cop told her mother.

Still in the group of people, Kayla saw her mother burst into tears. Anthony
ran towards her and cried as well while her father just walked away. Kayla was
stunned. She just stood in the middle of the crowed, overhearing them talk
about what just happened.

“Nobody heard him, the dead man” (1).

“Poor chap, he always loved larking and now he’s dead” (5-6).

“He was such a nice young man always waiving and smiling”

Kayla simply whispered to herself while
weeping softly, ” He was much too far out all his life and not
waving but drowning” (11-12).

All this Bruhaha is Tiring