Oct 12

That night you promised me the umbrella
Still remember what was said
Truly thought I found my alpha
No messages were misread

For months everything was serene
All in all, it was full of kisses, laughter, glee
Day came when you left me careened
Didn’t think I get  stung by that bee

Had but one request
To be a fraction of your heart
Promise left unkept
Regret the day I had to part

If you had cared enough for me to stay
You just had to ask me to never go away

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2 comments so far

  1. 1 margarita
    2:09 am - 10-17-2011

    Extended peer critique: Monica, I would first like to say that I really enjoyed reading your blogs; indeed your mother seems like one heck of a woman. It’s like you’re telling a story, well actually no, you are telling a story – your own – because each one of us has a story to tell. Some stories are coming to an end and some are just beginning, but all of us have a story. They are pieces, episodes in your life that you are probably somewhat used to but are so interesting to the audience, well to me anyway. I love the incorporation of the Spanish language into your blog posts, aside from the fact that I really like this language, it’s what makes your posts so unique, so you. Overall there’s a perfect balance of description and dialogue, which makes me wonder: why not take some of these episodes, your writing and create something amazing, like a short story? I would love to read that, because as I was going through your posts, I found myself craving for more; several times I caught myself thinking “is that it? I wish there was more.” Through the dialogue, you are also allowing your audience to get a better sense of you as a person as well as your sister, brother and mother (big time!).
    Your poem is written in simple language, which is good because it’s easy to understand (unlike complicated poetry written by all those dead poets – who can comprehend that?). The poem, which is obviously about love, talks about a relationship, yours and his, which was great at first: “For months everything was serene /All in all, it was full of kisses, laughter, glee,” however (and this is where the conflict occurs) that all went to bits and pieces when he left you “careened.” You simply wanted to be a part of his heart; in the end you had to do what was right for you so you left, I would say that’s a partial resolution because it’s a decision you grew to regret. The sentences in the poem are short, simple (there’s that word again, right?) and straightforward. The words, although I’m sure were most likely selected with a great deal of care, are common, everyday words. I did however have trouble with the word “careened;” I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I did not know what that word meant until I looked it up. But aside from that, I just didn’t like that particular word – it doesn’t seem to flow with the poem, it somehow seems forced into that line. Maybe it’s my imagination? I don’t know. On a concluding note, I was disappointed when I realized that the poem is neither a sonnet nor a villanelle – I was looking forward to see how you would fare with that assignment, oh well, maybe next poem? I would suggest that you try to write a poem with imagery, one of those poems that has flowing and elegant sentences, just to see if you can, to really challenge yourself and expand your mind frame. Step out of your comfort zone, as the prof would say.

  2. 2 jenny abeles
    8:31 pm - 10-18-2011

    Hi Monica. I have to say that my advice about your poem has been summarized very astutely by Margarita in her peer critique. I, too, want to suggest that you do something more with the image of the umbrella in this poem, maybe as a metaphor for love or a steady relationship. Take stock of what an umbrella does, how that might compare to what love does for people, and then the state or condition you’re left in without it (umbrella/love). Look at what Eliot does with his “yellow fog” imagery as an example of how to develop it over several lines. It’s also not bad advice to experiment with different kinds of sentences and poetic styles.

    I thought Margarita’s critique was pretty positive and also constructive–what did you think? What advice do you think you’ll try out?

    I, too, like the Spanish/English intersection in your writing. A few years back, a novel written in Spanglish (_The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao_) won the Nobel Prize for Literature–a role model for bilingual writers, I think!

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