Dec 22

Wow, was this rough. I really thought this class was going to be a walk through the
park but I was sadly mistaken. I HATE writing, especially essays. Having to
analyze a book I have no interest in really annoys me. Having to write about a
topic of our choosing as long as it followed the writing format of the week of
poem, blog, story, is a different story. I use to do it all the time as a hobby
so I could easily do it for a class. In high school, I had taken a creative
writing class and breezed right through it. I don’t know what happen from then
to now but I seriously lost my touch.

I was waiting for the moment
till we got to the assignment of writing our stories. Out of all the
assignments, I thought I would excel at this one. When it came time to finally
begin our stories, I was surprised to go completely blank. I had no idea what
to write. The exercises we did in class to help give us ideas for our story, we’re
fun to do but unfortunately whatever I came up with in class didn’t inspire me
to write a story from it. I tried but to start a story from some of the things
in class but I would end up writing a page and then deleting everything because
I just didn’t like it.

The first story I wrote ended
up being my short story called “Smile and Wave”. Figuring out what to write was
such a long process. I literally sat in my house all day with a notebook trying
to come up with something. I had ideas from creating an alternate universe
where dogs ran the world but that was a knockoff of planet of the apes so that
was thrown out. Another was a Lord of the Rings world where there was a romance
between two male elves and they had to run away from the only life they knew so
they could stay together which I thought was cliché. Reminded me of the all the
young lovers that couldn’t be together like Romeo and Juliet except…the
characters were just gay. So that was out the window as well. It was because of
my sister that I finally chose the idea of alcoholism for my story. She saw
that I was having trouble starting my story and told me to just “write what I know
and leave at that.” Many Hispanic men are alcoholics and so I have seen it a
lot in my world. I chose to write about a friend of a friend’s that had passed
away and just morphed it. The lines of poetry I used in the story was icing on
the cake for me. I had been reading those poems for another class and I thought
they would blend in perfectly in my story and I was really proud of the
outcome.

The longer short story was
just a complete headache. The idea for the story actually came very quickly to
me compared to how long I took deciding on the first one. I wanted to write
about a girl that was in an abusive relationship that finally decided enough
was enough and killed her boyfriend/husband when he was going to attack her
again but the reader wouldn’t know that till the end. What I had in my head
complete did not translate right on paper. I couldn’t get my wording right, I’m
not sure the point of view I chose for the story fit, it was just a mess. After
going back and forth, I probably would have done what Margarita did in her
story “Responsibilities”. I really liked how she used two narratives in her
story instead of the usual one. I felt like it flowed really well.

This class was very frustrating
for me. Although I had not written actual stories and poems since high school, I
really considered myself a good reader. Having such difficulty in thinking
about a topic after topic for the blogs, poems and stories, I started thinking
was I even good in HS. Knowing my writing would be seen by the class made it
even harder for me. It’s one thing for my teacher to see my work, that’s one
pair of eyes. It’s a whole different story when there are thirty pairs of eyes
looking at your work. This class has helped me pushed myself as a writer.
Before actually posting up the assignments I would go over them time and time
again to see if it was good enough for the class. Was the idea good, does the
setting work, does the name fit the character? Many thoughts went through my
head before actually pressing the publish button on the dashboard. I entered
the class thinking I wouldn’t be learning anything new and that it was going to
easy peasy. I learned so much from my peers and the assignments we did in
class.

Dec 22

I walk across the living
room to get to our room. This outfit is gorgeous but it’s time to take it off,
feels like I’m suffocating. The door is hanging off its hinges. Got to get
someone to fix that now. Maybe I can hit up that boy, what was his name? I have
such a bad memory.  I really have to
clean my room. Clothes all over the floor, drawers half way out, holes in the
wall. I really do have to clean the walls soon or else they’ll stain and then I’m
going to have to paint over it. It’s been three days since the fight but I don’t
have the will to clean yet. Its been four years since I was lazy and I’m going
to take my time cleaning up. Kevin doesn’t mind anymore. He’s letting me be
happy.

Okay, my pj’s areeeee…aha,
underneath the pile of dvds on the floor. Stepping all over the clothes, I get
to my pj’s to change. One of Kevin’s shirts, a pair of sweatpants and I feel
free. I hang up my dress in the closet. At least that’s one less thing I have
to do. Tengo hambre, i should make breakfast. Let me ask Kevin if he wants
something. He’s been through a lot.

I finish trekking through the
horror of my room and step into the living room.

“Wow, it’s so dreary in here.
I don’t know how you always liked it like this Kevin. Makes everything look so
sad.”  I head to the the windows and open
up the black curtains. Light pours into the room. “Sooo much better. Makes the
place more warm and inviting.” Not that we ever had company anyway. You never
wanted anyone around because this was “your space”. Well, that’s going to
change now, just have to fix up the place. I head to the kitchen and open the
fridge. I grab the eggs, milk, jelly and sausage. From the cupboard I get the
maple syrup, pancake mix, bowls and pans.

“I’m gonna make a feast for
us. I know you’re not that hungry but imam make a lil something for you. I’ll
eat the leftovers so if anything.”

I looked up from the
counter and I look at kevin. He’s so peaceful when he’s like this. I really do
have to start thinking about how to get rid of him. Him and the couch. He ruined
it with all the blood from the stab wounds. I was trying for him to fall to the
floor after he ran into the knife I was holding but no. Of course he has to
ruin something I like before he went to hell. I did get a little crazy on
stabbing him after the initial shock of what happened wore off. i did warn him i was going to use if he ever touched me again. I dared him. Of course he’d think i wasn’t going to do it. Oh well. Too
bad, so sad.

Dec 22

“LAST STOP!”

Wow, that train ride was fast. Usually it
takes forever to get home. Having my mind on that kid sure made time fly. If
Kevin only knew. It would be the shock of his life. The perfect slave he took
time to form and train has turned against him. Oh god, the beating I would have
endured. He’d probably kill me. Beat me to the point where I’d be
unrecognizable and then strangle me to death. Its funny how that’s in the past
now. I’m happyand he’s happy for me.

I get up  and walk
out of the train. When’s the last time I actually came home this late? When’s
the last time I actually been out, at all, by myself? I miss this. Being by
yourself ain’t that bad sometimes. I guess when your happy nothing seems bad.
Walking out the subway, I come out directly facing the sunrise. How beautiful it
is. New day, new beginnings, new life. Well…for some at least, I know it is for
me. Everything is funny to me now. I have to stop smiling or else my face is
going to stay like this. I laugh while I reach into my purse for my ipod and
headphones. Okay, headphones on , music playing, no one around, can sing out
loud. This is going to be a nice walk. As I walk the three blocks to the
apartment there’s no one in sight, I’m gonna pretend im a model right now. I sure
look like one. I’m never gonna hide myself again. No more bruises now. No
reason to hide. Kevin’s going to have to deal with it. Oh well, ipod play my
song.

xzibit – runway walk

“the runway walk nananananana, nananananana
Let me see ur runway walk
Make your heels click
Make the runway talk, come on
Pretty ass women taking pictures
That never come outside until they look vicious, damn
What I gotta say to get a piece of that, damn

The way u walk in them heels, beyond sex appeal
Beyond any type of feeling you get by taking a pill
I don’t care of they’re real, could care less if they’re fake
I like the way that ur moving, the way your making it shake

Love the way that your dressing, god bless u girl
Now go show your sexy ass to the rest of the world”

I reached the door. “Nananananana, Nananananana.” Shaking my ass while turning the key in the lock. That song is so
much fun. I’m relieved I’m finally home though. Dios, I can finally take off these
heels. One by one I kick them off. I creep down the hallway , wondering if
Kevin is still where I left him. Just as I thought, same position and
everything, sitting at the corner of the couch with his eyes closed. Nothing can ever wake this man up when he’s sleeping.
“Morning Kevin! The story I have to tell you about the club. Tus oidos te van a doler
cuando termino.”

Dec 22

Thank God my hair was
straight. If I had actually styled it, Jenn could have plainly seen what went
on with this kid. He was walking me back to the club, holding me by the waist
again while kissing me all over my neck. I haven’t felt this alive and this
wanted in so long. Kevin made sure that my life was miserable and he was the
sole person that could make me happy. All I had to do was listen and do
whatever he said. If not a slap, punch, kick here and there would cure me from
my “laziness”. We reached the entrance to club. He put his back against the
wall and turned me around to face him. As I put my arms around his neck, his
hands reach down to grab my ass.  I put
my  hand in back of his head and bring
his lips down to mine. His lips are soft. Ayy que hombre el es.

“Damn
Ma, I’ll I wanna do is get you back into that room.”

“Maybe, some other time. My friend is waiting
for me” I look down at the floor and smile. I don’t want him to see I’m blushing.
He brings his hand to my chin and gently  raises my face up to his.

“Don’t do that to me please.”

“Do what?” quizzically I respond.

“Don’t hide your smile away from me. It’s beautiful…you’re
beautiful.”

It’s been so long since
I had a real reason to smile. That I’m actually smiling because I’m happy and
not because I’m pretending.. If this kid only knew what this “beautiful” body
has been put through. I wonder if he knew me earlier, if he had known about everything,
would he have stopped Kevin. What the hell are you doing? He’s a dumb kid, stop
thinking nonsense and enjoy the moment.

“Ya gonna me your number ? I
would love to keep in contact. Trust.”

“Ummm, how bout you give me your number?”

“You don’t think imma call you?” he chuckles “believe me
babe, I don’t wanna let you get away”

“It’s not that. I
don’t really have a phone at the moment so it be difficult to get in contact
with me. Just give yours.”

“Ahuh.  Listen if
you got a man or something , I don’t care. I rather be aware of the situation
in case anything happens. Yo ass is worth fighting for, believe that.”

“I don’t have a boyfriend, promise. Not
anymore. You don’t have to worry bout anything. Just give me your number and I’ll
call you.” I give him a punch on the shoulder. “stop being such a girl”

“Aight, its 212 476 38…”

Dec 22

Different colored lights
are flashing all around us. He sees me walking towards him and begins to walk
towards me. We meet and he said something to me that I couldn’t hear.  “HUH?” I yell out to him, hoping he heard what
I said. He puts his arms around my waist, leans down to my ear “You are
beautiful”. A smile appears on my face. I heard him that time.  “Thank you.” Those words haven’t been said to
me in so long. The honeymoon phase with Kevin was long gone and he never
complimented me anymore. Kevin made sure that there were no other men in my
world to tell me that too.

“I’m Matthew. What’s your name gorgeous?”

“Sasha” I gave him my alias.

“Beautiful name, for a
beautiful lady. Would you like to dance?”

“No, not really.” He looked surprised which
made me smile even harder. I reached for his neck and brought him down closer
to me. “I’d rather go somewhere where we could be alone.” That put a smile
right back on his face.

“That would be cool.”

He took my hand and
started to lead me to the entrance of the club. I looked back and saw Jenn
staring at me with her mouth wide open. Her faces are always so animated. She ‘s
the only one that can make me smile by doing nothing. She doesn’t realize what
she does which makes me smile more. We step out
into the real world. Cement floors, stores, the sounds of the trains and
car horns but we were still able to hear the loud techno music.

“ Where do you wanna go?”

“Come with me.” My
turn to drag you around. “My friend’s house is right around the corner.”

Matthew put his arm
around my shoulders as we walked. It felt good to be wanted, to be held. We
reached Jenn’s door and I got out the spare key she had given me so I could
come over and let myself in instead of her having to stop whatever she was
doing to let me in. I took his hand and lead him up to the stairs to
second  floor. As im trying to open her
apartment door, Matthew wraps his arms around my waist. God, he smells so good.

I got the door open and pushed him inside unto the closet
door. Walking inside, I shut the door behind me. We could still hear the music from
the club. He pulls me in close to him and kisses me. No going back now.

Nov 16

“Whistle, whistle,whistle, whis…”
“What the hell are you doing?” Jenn asked walking closely behind me. She had
popped out of nowhere. Probably trying to scare me like always. I really don’t
know why she finds that fun. I could already see it on her face that she was
disappointed. She wasn’t going to scare me today. We continued walking together.
Her barefoot, with her heels in her hand and me with my sparkling gold pumps on.
No matter how they hurt, I wasn’t going to take them off and ruin the whole
ensemble. The first time in a long time that I’ve worn heels and i wasn’t going
to let a little pain ruin the whole look. I’ve been through worse. No more
though.
“I don’t know how to whistle. Never learned. Instead I just whistle and try to
tune it with a song I like.” Jenn just looked at me with her quizzical one
eyebrow up. She looks like the damn Rock. I keep on telling her to stop, it’s annoying
but no. She has to keep up with it because she knows it bothers me. She burst
out laughing and says in her best Dominican accent “Tu ta LOCA!” I laugh right
along with her. “Whistle, whistle, whistle.” Today I’ll be happy.
Her apartment was just around the corner. She could walk the rest of the way by
herself.
“I’ll talk to you in the morning lady. I’m gonna go catch the train”
“What?! It’s 4am, you’re gonna leave now! Have Kevin pick you up. I know you guys are having troubles right now but
he wouldn’t want you riding the train at this time. Sleep over if you want to.”
“No, Jenn, it’s ok. I wanna be alone. You worry too much, I’ll be fine. Te veo
manana lady. Muah.”
“At least send me a text once you get home. YEAH, Yeah I’m gonna be sleeping but just do it ok. I’ll
feel better once I get up seeing your text.” She has me giggling. Always
worrying.
“Ok lady. Ok.”
“I know how you are. You’re gonna forget. Prometame que lo vas hacer!”
“I promise. Cross my heart. Now go home and sleep. I’ll see you later. Ciao.”
She smiles before walking away. I love her smiles. They’re so huge. Makes me
feel like she smiles for the both of us. Not anymore. I can smile for myself.
Now and always from now on.
Walking down the stairs to the subway I feel sexy and confident. Ever since Kevin came along that went out the
window. I’m happy though. No more bruises. It’s been a long time since I’ve thrown
on my party outfit. Barely covering my ass and showing off every curve of my
body, glowing white asymmetrical dress with one long sleeve, wearing a simple
gold necklace that has a pendant dagger. To top it all of I put on the red
lipstick that always reminded me of blood. What a lovely color red was, had so
many meanings. The color of love and the color of death. I guess they go hand
in hand.
I hit the bottom of the stairs and see there’s no one in sight. That’s a shame,
there’s no one to look at me. Oh well, maybe va haber alguien en el tren. The
tracks are rattling. The train is coming. The train is so dependable, always my
buddy. Can just think and think and not have to worry about anybody. The doors
open and enter to sit in an empty cart. Todavia nadie, that sucks. Whatever, I got
enough stares at the party. The men definitely appreciated what they got to see.
Who in the world would want to damage this body? Fuck that, never again.
Doors close and the train starts to move. Staring at the tunnels passing by is enchanting. The garbage, graffiti,
construction sites. It’s all so chaotic, brings me back to the club. That guy
was so, god knows what his name was but he was just sooo…intoxicating.

“You see that guy over there, by the couch?” Jenn yelled so I could hear above the music. I looked in
her direction while seeping a rum and coke and saw a 6 feet tall guy. He looked
Filipino with a tan. He wore a red WESC fitted cap with a white t-shirt, not so
baggy and not so tight dark blue jeans and white Nike uptowns. This boy was
staring right at me and smiling.
“Yea, you know him?”
“No, but I’m sure he wants to know you!” Jenn laughs while giving me a little nudge. “Go flirt
and get us some drinks.” I stare at her with the hugest smile on my face. I’m
happy. I give her my drink and start walking towards to him. My steps are
following the beat of the techno music which is elevating my confidence.

Nov 08

just wanted to let everyone know i stole a few lines from 2 poems, if you guys decide to read them, they are:
“Not Waving But Drowning” by Stevie Smith  AND “Letters & Other Worlds” by Michael Ondaatje.

___________________________________________________________

Kayla stood frozen. She couldn’t move, speak or hear. She stood at the
doorway of her backyard looking like she just saw a ghost, as if she was about
to.

“Anthony! Anthony!” she was calling her little brother in such a
desperate manner. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
“Anthony!”

Her elder brother was lying face down on the floor just a few steps from the
back door of the house. Kayla didn’t know what to think, she immediately
thought the worse. He wasn’t moving. The dog was trying to wake up his owner by
barking and pawing at him, but wouldn’t move. Kayla was to frighten to see if
he was okay. She didn’t want to be the one to know he was dead.

Anthony came running up the stairs, “What do you want? I was about to
beat the final level of…” he stopped when he saw the site of is brother
on the ground. “Kayla, what happened?! What’s wrong with him?” He
couldn’t believe his eyes. “KAYLA WHAT’S WRONG?!”

The sound of her little brother’s frantic voice snapped her out of her
stunned state, but she still couldn’t move. She always thought something like
this would happen someday. That she would find her brother dead because of
alcohol poisoning. She imagined it happening, but she never believed it would.
“Check if he’s breathing Anthony. See if he’s alright.” Following his
sister’s orders, Anthony walked up to his brother’s body slowly knowing each
step he took closer might reveal their worst fears come to life. He kneeled
down to the floor and put his hand in front of his brother’s nose as Kayla
watched on. “Please tell me he’s fine,” she cried.

After a couple of seconds went by Anthony nodded his head. “He’s okay
Kayla. He’s okay,” he whispered as he was wiping away tears. “He’s
just drunk.” He couldn’t stop the flow of tears that were coming out.
“Help me bring him inside.”

Kayla was finally able to move. While Anthony was making sure his brother
wasn’t hurt, Kayla put the dog away into his room and came back to help. Though
the door was just a few feet away, it seemed like a long journey for Kayla and
Anthony. No one was home to help them and they didn’t want to call anybody
since it was the middle of the night. They were panicked and didn’t know what
to do. Determined to get their brother inside the house and out of the freezing
cold, they each grabbed one arm and started dragging him through the door. They
knew they still weren’t out of the woods since he wouldn’t wake up and they
were terrified. The possibility of their brother dying was all too real.

“Okay, okay, we’re in. Close the door,” said Kayla. Anthony got
out under his brother’s arm and closed the door. Neither of them knew what to
do next. They dragged him to the stairs and left him lying down on the floor.
They had never seen him this bad before. Whenever he was drunk, he would always
find his way home and into his room. He was always able to get unto his bed and
fall asleep. Kayla looked at her little brother shaking in the corner. He
didn’t deserve to see his older brother in such a state. He didn’t need to be
in this situation, especially in his situation.

“What are we gonna do, we can’t leave him there,” Anthony said
meekly.

Kayla and Anthony stared at each other. Anthony was frail and weak from the
medication he’d been taking and appeared to look like a skeleton. Kayla wished
she could send him to sleep and let her worry about this, but she needed his
help and he knew it too.

“Okay, listen. You have to calm down first. You can’t put a lot of
stress on your heart. Take a deep breath and try to stop shaking,” Kayla
said soothingly. Anthony did what he was told and started to settle down. The
shaking had stopped, but Kayla could tell he was still scared and of course she
was too, but was trying to be brave for her younger brother. “Alright,
this is gonna be hard, but we’re gonna drag him downstairs and try and lift on
to his bed, but facing down, okay.”

Kayla had heard enough horror stories of people choking on their vomit while
drunk and asleep. She was terrified that that would happen to her brother.

Each of them grabbed one of their brother’s arms and started to carefully
drag him down the stairs. Every step they took, Kayla thanked God that none of
them had fallen. Anthony kept on repeating a prayer on his head. Kayla was
scared that in Anthony’s weak state he would slip and fall and she would fall
on top of him. She held on tighter to her older brother and prayed.

“We did it,” calmly said Anthony. Not wanting to stop, they
dragged him all the way to his bed and plopped him on. They were out of breath
and tired. Both were happy that they accomplished their goal and yet scared to
see what they’d see in the morning.

“Let’s go to sleep, there’s nothing else we can do,” said Kayla.
They were both exhausted and headed to their rooms.” Night Anthony, try
and get some rest.”

~

Kayla woke up early in the morning to get ready for school. She got up and
went to check if Anthony was okay. Trying to walk as soft as possible, she
crept into his room and was happy to see that he was fine and still sleeping.
Next she went to check on her older brother. She opened the door to his room
and saw that he was awake. Once she noticed he was fine, rage was the only
emotion that she was feeling towards him.

“Do you know what happened last night…hmm? Do you know what you put
me through, what you put Anthony through?” Her brother just stared at her
not knowing what to say. Tears were streaming down her face. She couldn’t hold
them back any longer. “We found you outside on the ground, you IDIOT! We
thought you were dead! We thought we were gonna find you dead when we woke up!”
she couldn’t stop crying though she was wiping them away. “How do you
that? How can you get so drunk to put us into that situation, when you know Mom
and Dad work at night and can’t help us? You know Anthony’s weak right now. All
the heart medication he’s taking for his Dextrocardia problem has sucked up all
his strength and you go and pull a stunt like this. Why?” He couldn’t look
her in the eye, eh couldn’t say anything to her. He was so ashamed.

~

“Hey Kayla, Kayla! Wait up!” Kayla’s friend Cathy was running to
catch up.

“Oh hey Cathy, what’s up?”

“Nothing much. You ready for the pep rally today at school. I’m so excited;
I love all the cheering and laughter that goes on. It’s so much fun.”

“Yea, I have my uniform ready to go out with my team. You’re gonna
cheer for me right? Make everyone around you cheer when I come out. It’d be fun
for you and fun for me.” Kayla said while trying to act happy and normal.
She didn’t want anyone knowing what had happened last night or think that
anything was wrong. She wanted to appear like everyone else. She wanted to wave
at her friends and go directly to class. It was something she and her family
grew up to do. They all knew how to smile, wave and hide their true emotions.
It was easy for them.

Throughout the day Kayla was anxious to get home. The pep rally had just
finished and so she went to pick up Anthony by his locker. “Come on, lets
go,” she said with an agitated voice when she saw Anthony. He looked at
her and knew she was tired of waving at everyone like everything was okay. Like
they do every day. He just wanted to go home.

“Tired of waving, too?” he asked Kayla with a smile.

She messed with his hair and with a smirk replied “I was not
waving but drowning” (4).
They laughed and started walking home.

Happy they were going home, they started to relax and tell each other jokes
on the way to the house. Anthony was in the middle of a “knock-knock”
joke when they both started to hear sirens. The noise started to get louder the
closer the got to their house. They finally noticed it was coming from their
home. There were police and an ambulance in front of the house with people and
neighbors standing everywhere.

The emotions from last night came back at once and hit like a rock. They
started running into the group to get to their parents. There were so many
people grouped together it as hard to get by. Kayla saw her parents talking to
a policeman and heard what she was dreading the most.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but your son is dead. He came to death with his mind
drowning…He enclosed himself in a room with two bottles of gin, later fell
the length of his body so that brain blood moved to new compartments that never
knew the wash of fluid and he died in minutes of a new equilibrium”
(10-17).
The cop told her mother.

Still in the group of people, Kayla saw her mother burst into tears. Anthony
ran towards her and cried as well while her father just walked away. Kayla was
stunned. She just stood in the middle of the crowed, overhearing them talk
about what just happened.

“Nobody heard him, the dead man” (1).

“Poor chap, he always loved larking and now he’s dead” (5-6).

“He was such a nice young man always waiving and smiling”

Kayla simply whispered to herself while
weeping softly, ” He was much too far out all his life and not
waving but drowning” (11-12).

Oct 20

just trying it out.

Butterflies fluttered
Your benevolance they kiss
Slowly they decay

______________________

Heart at a weird pace
Such a quirky little thing
To just hear your name

Oct 19

I am irrefutably gullible
Intoxicated with friendship and trust
Having to learn to be tolerable
Every time I get left in the dust

Espero que puedo cambiar pronto ( i hope to change soon)
Si no (if not), God knows what i’ll get myself in
I hear them calling me names like Tonto (idiot)
Start to cry and wonder where is my win

Have been nothing but an honest person
Described as good, kind, loyal, full of glee
Constantly left in rain, just forgotten
Don’t understand why I stay and not flee

Picked last to choose the cards that have been dealt
Regrettably got “Stay silent and help”

i thought i had done a shakespearean sonnet in my last sonnet but margarita help me realize i did it wrong. there’s suppose to be 10 syllables in every line. i hope i did it right this time.

Oct 12

That night you promised me the umbrella
Still remember what was said
Truly thought I found my alpha
No messages were misread

For months everything was serene
All in all, it was full of kisses, laughter, glee
Day came when you left me careened
Didn’t think I get  stung by that bee

Had but one request
To be a fraction of your heart
Promise left unkept
Regret the day I had to part

If you had cared enough for me to stay
You just had to ask me to never go away

All this Bruhaha is Tiring